Just A Little Bit About Me!

I’m not your average girl. I’m a contradiction in every way you could imagine.

I border on obsessive compulsive when it comes to keeping my house clean but I can be the laziest person on earth some days!

I believe in all things spiritual yet feel a compulsion to have an explanation as to “why” things make sense.

I am told that I am mentally ill, yet I feel saner than most people I’ve ever met!

I love to be outside with nature but am just as happy curled up in bed in my beautifully decorated, albeit eclectic bedroom. 

I love everything vintage but certain modern things I find myself very attracted to.

I cry out for attention but push a lot of people away. 

I love to write but I’m terrified of being judged.

I love a home cooked meal but I hate to cook! 

Despite the contradictions, there are things about me that do not waver…

My love for my three children, Madison (19), Taylah (17) and Nicholas (16)

My love for my partner, Fred who I am finally marrying! Yay!

My love for my fur babies, 3 dogs, 4 cats and a rainbow Lorikeet. 

The determination to complete my journey of self discovery that has been ongoing for a couple of months so far. 

My constant battle to find positivity amongst negativity but most of all…

My mission to realize that I am worthy of being loved by everyone in my life including myself.

My posts will range from ecstatic to suicidal….all part and parcel of this charming mental health issue so be warned that I can be slightly erratic and I do like to vent about anything and everything…..you’ve been warned! 🙂 

I Did It On My Own!

So, it has been an interesting day. I thought that being stuck in bed all day would suck! I was so over being sick and feeling miserable but I couldn’t get myself out of the funk I was in. 

Until I realized that there was nobody else who was going to do it for me. 

I wanted my independence didn’t I? A chance to prove to myself, if nobody else, that I didn’t “need” anyone. This was a perfect opportunity to start. 

And so, I decided to begin by picking up my phone and checking my messages that have been on there for five days. There was nothing of great importance, however I did it.

Then I tackled Telstra….oh, they are going to be the death of me! Two months to go and my contract will finally be over! I could look at that call as a waste of two hours of my life or I could be proud of myself for finally finding the motivation to do it. I choose the latter. 🙂 

Then, I thought about Taylah’s birthday party and realized it was on Saturday and I’d still not really organized everything. I had been stressing so much on the money side of things that I hadn’t wanted to deal with it.

Today I knew I had to. My daughter was relying on me to be a mum and plan her 18th…a milestone….and it is something I had desperately wanted to do as I was way too medicated to do this for my eldest daughter’s 18th. Something that will weigh heavily on my mind forever. (Hopefully one day I can forgive myself and she can forgive me)

On a whim, I decided to check my bank accounts, expecting them to be high and dry as they have been recently while I’ve struggled to get on top of bills I’d let slide and believe it or not, there was an unexpected payment in there that will cover her birthday party and leave a little bit left over. 

I did a money spell, last Full Moon (incidentally, tonight is the next full moon) and I prayed to the Angels to ensure that I would be protected financially and have enough money to put on a good night for my daughter. They didn’t let me down. What a blessing but more so, an amazing confirmation for me that I was heard. 

So, I went about booking in everything I had to do for her birthday and tomorrow I shall go and buy decorations, food and drinks. I’m thrilled to bits! And I have done it all on my own…from the thought to the organization and planning right up until this point. I can’t wait to see how the whole night turns out! I’m pretty damn awesome! 🙂

The biggest lesson I learned today is that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind too and my newfound beliefs in Angels, Wicca and The Law Of Attraction are all starting to work together nicely. 

I chose to leave my Facebook group and will create anther one. Some of the negativity that I feel in that group is beginning to affect me in ways that are not beneficial and so I have decided to take anther step forward in my journey of self discovery.

This time it is about proving how valuable I am to myself. Falling in love with myself and who I am. Learning to truly understand what makes me happy, do the things I love and focus on the people I love.

It’s time to go out in the world, experience new things, start my course and follow my destiny. 

It is also time for me to start focusing on my blog….start learning more about how to use it productively and realize how powerful my written and spoken words are, regardless of whether anyone in the physical world reads them or not. 

I was struggling a little in my group, knowing that people were reading my innermost thoughts and feelings but nobody was commenting or seemed to care what I had to say. 

Here, I can be me….the real me….I can say what I want because I have absolutely no idea if anyone reads them or not and therefore I will never know if I’m being ignored. I can just ramble on, forever and a day about whatever I like and it doesn’t make a difference at all. Much like a diary, really, except this is my way of releasing all my thoughts into the universe and what better way to do that, than to send it out across the World Wide Web?

On that note, I’m going to take some painkillers for this lovely headache I have and actually go to sleep at a normal hour so I can get up tomorrow and make it an even more productive day than today.

Blessed Be xoxo 

My Weekend

So, let me catch you all up a little….

First up, I have absolutely nothing wrong with my colon, however have been extremely unwell since the procedure….increased pain in my left side, dizziness, hot and cold sweats, fever, excessive swelling in my face, hands and feet and just generally feeling like crap.

When the hospital called, they told me to come back in straight away but I had way too much planned for the weekend and too many people to potentially let down, so me being me just ignored it. Yes, at some point, I will go back to the hospital but for now, there are still things that need to be done. 

Saturday was hugely stressful for me and I didn’t cope well at all. I was so nervous about Fred’s family function and I had nothing semi-formal that fit me anymore so it was a mad dash to find an outfit, buy last minute presents, pick Fred up from work and then worry about the fact that Nick had supposedly organized a party to be held while we were out. (Turns out his mate, who told me, was just riling me up….it worked!) 

At one point, I was ready to just pack it all in and not go. 

However, we locked the house up tight, I put on my new clothes and the highest heels I’ve worn since before I turned into ten tonne tessie, put on some make up, straightened my newly cut and colored hair and decided to throw caution to the wind and let my hair down.

Turned out to be a great night….maybe the 6 glasses of rum and coke helped….but nonetheless, I am so glad I went because it was a great night and I really, truly enjoyed myself. It was beautiful being part of such a huge family event where there was no judgement amongst people, no bitterness or anger….just love and a sense of belonging and pure desire to celebrate a milestone in a much loved family members life. 

Being in heels all night did me no favors however and when I got home, I was in agony. Fred rubbed my Balinese oil all over my back and lower stomach and behind my knees but sadly, not much relief was to be found. 

I had a night plagued with bad dreams yet again but woke up in the morning feeling strangely different.

It was as if the last couple of weeks of absolutely shitty feelings, bad moods and lots of tears had suddenly evaporated into thin air. 

Fred helped me clean the house and I was so excited to see Taylah and wish her Happy Birthday and give her her presents. As with, every birthday, I was filled with a sense of nostalgia and was again reminded that I really was a good mum and under the circumstances, I raised three amazing children all on my own. 

Taylah is now officially an adult and I am so proud of her and I feel so confident that she will be able to rise to the challenge as she starts her life as a woman now and not just a teenage girl but I’m also proud of myself for playing a part in that. 

I was so incredibly overwhelmed with a feeling of dread knowing that I would be seeing my family tonight but I would never have let Taylah down, so once again I put on some make up and did my hair, got dressed and tried my best to prepare myself for the emotional rollercoaster, I knew I was about to embark upon. 

It was extremely awkward at first…nobody was speaking to each other and I could see it was hurting Taylah. It was hurting me too. A lot. And, at one point I had to run to the bathroom and compose myself as the tears started to flow and I knew I was unable to stop them, had I stayed in my seat. 

I came back out and decided that like always, this was up to me to fix so I started talking to them all and forcing conversation that became somewhat easier as time went on. 

Taylah seemed more at ease and what started out as a pretty uncomfortable evening turned into a great night. 

My mum was still very sour and cranky but I tried. There was nothing more I could have done.

But I spoke with my sisters and I tried to talk to Madison (it didn’t go so well but it was a start) so all in all, it ended up being better than I thought.

I ate very little and hoped nobody would notice as the pain was excruciating and as I type, it seems to be getting worse, even though I’ve actually taken some Endone so I’m not sure what’s going on down there but quite frankly, I’m a little over it. 

I think Taylah enjoyed her day and I hope she felt special and loved and spoiled on her big day, but next weekend is her big night out so we are all looking forward to that! 

The Moon Really Is A Rather Amazing Thing

 I started what I “think” was my period yesterday but as I’ve had continuous bleeding since the 24th of April (the day of the LLETZ procedure and Mirena insertion) and then nothing for the last couple of weeks, I can’t really be sure! I also probably overdid things a little rearranging my house on my own! Lol 

However, I was interested in the effect the moon (lunar cycles) had on menstruation so I downloaded a moon phase calendar and I have started using my period app again so we shall see what we learn but this is what I learnt tonight. 

Apparently the phase of the moon that corresponds to the day you begin bleeding means something.

Yesterday was the waxing crescent so apparently this is is what that means….

CRESCENT MOON    semisquare 45-89 degrees

The seed is now a young shoot just beginning to poke itself out of the soil – this phase struggles “against the forces of inertia”. At this stage there is still very little distinction between the instinctual unconscious and the creative consciousness but a move forward has been made and a sense of committment to that forward movement is integral. Crescent Moon people feel that they need to break from the past, to forge ahead in life they must persevere, because as they move forward they feel keenly the habits from the past.. it creates a dynamic tension – like a piece of string being pulled tauter in opposing directions. In a sense they need to cut this string with the past and continue with their new vision and make a new system that was seeded in the New Moon phase.

Keywords: highly sensitised and emotionally vulnerable, fledgling bodies are most secure in a comfortable and known environment, old fears and insecurities, growing, learning, toddler/childhood, expanding the boundaries of self and environment, become ‘rooted’ in their sense of self, use challenges, physically master the environment.

Considering everything that is going on in my life right now, that actually seems really appropriate. Perhaps they really are onto something here…..

The website is… 

http://www.menstruation.com.au/astrology/lunarphases.html

So next time I can check it out again…. 🙂 

My First Big Bump In The Road

My First Big Bump In The Road.

01-26-13 2nd Chakra: Sacral Chakra

thehousegoddess

2nd Chakra/Sacral Chakra
Location: about 2 finger lengths below navel
Color: Orange Crystals/stones: Garnet, Moonstone, Orange Tourmaline, Carnelian, Orange Agate, Essential Oils to Balance the Root Chakra: Clary Sage, Elemi, Fennel, Galbanum, Geranium, Jasmine, Melissa, Neroli, Rose, Rosewood, and Ylang Ylang.
The second chakra is the chakra of sensuality, sexuality, and pleasure. It is also the chakra of emotions. When it is unblocked, this chakra allows for the free flow of emotional, sensual, and creative energy throughout your body.
The second chakra keeps you emotionally healthy, and your energy field charged with prana. It also tells you what you don’t like, or warns you of potential danger. If something doesn’t “feel” right, or doesn’t “smell” good, it probably isn’t right. We refer to this as our “gut instinct”, the common experience of intuitively knowing something hidden about people, or sensing something about a situation that may cause us problems The…

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2nd Chakra Series – 21 Ways to Care for Your Sacral Chakra

Found this absolutely fascinating!

Mommy Mystic

Be sure to check out Lisa’s new book and corresponding web seminar, both of which are based upon the specifics of the feminine energy body.

This is the last post in a series on the 2nd, or sacral chakra, in women. The prior posts were on Tantric Sexuality, Intuition and Seeing, Motherhood and Creating, and Spirituality and Bliss. Those posts all gave lots of reasons why attention to your 2nd chakra, and 2nd chakra issues, is so important for women. Hopefully you’re convinced!

This turned into quite the thesis, which I hadn’t intended. I have mixed feelings about the size of this list, because most women don’t need any more ‘should’ or ‘to-do’ items added to their busy lives (not to mention that many of you probably don’t even have time to read this!) I am very anti-guilt. So understand that I was just trying…

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Fear

It’s nearly 1a.m. and I have yet another internal ultrasound tomorrow and I’m scared. Terrified actually. I had an ultrasound last week and was told to go to the Emergency Deppartment straight away. Let me give you the quickest run down I can on recent medical events in my life…
* 21 yrs ago I had a Pap smear and was diagnosed with HPV (Human Papilloma Virus) and, at 16 and only just sexually active, my doctor didn’t explain that there are different strains of HPV and mine actually didn’t mean that I had genital warts. But I thought it did so I never had another test and I’d never had any kind of “warts” so I thought I was fine. (Just a quick note….GET PAP SMEARS REGULARLY! IT’S IMPORTANT!!!)
* I ended up having a minor….very minor four wheel driving accident one night. So minor, in fact that I came home and had sex with Fred. I ended up bleeding heavily for ten days after the and had a really bad back ache but put it down to the car accident so didn’t go to hospital. One morning after the bleeding had stopped I woke up, in so much pain that I literally couldn’t walk. It felt like my back was broken and my kids convinced me it was time to go to the hospital.
* I was admitted for about a week (my daughter was admitted a day after I was but that’s a whole different story!) and underwent a barrage of tests and visits from the surgical team, the gyno team and a nutritionist and physiotherapist with no real understanding of what was going on. They released me telling me I had a lumbar back sprain and had some exercises to do. 
* Imagine my surprise when I got my discharge summary in the mail that had words like intrapalethial high grade squamous lesions, CIN 3 and other huge words that I didn’t understand but knew they weren’t to do with any kind of back injury! 
* I rang my doctor who asked me to come in and referred me for a colposcopy that I waited approximately 4 weeks for, only to be told that the initial findings of CIN3 were accurate and I was put into Category 2 to await a LLETZ procedure (another story) and just over five months later and several hospital trips later due to extremely heavy periods and lots of pain, I ended up knocked out with my cervix being burned to bits…. 😐
* I got the results from that recently and to my understanding (which granted is a little hazy because I’m overwhelmed with information at the moment) the LLETZ procedure involved taking 7mm from my cervix but unfortunately they didn’t get it all and the CIN3 is now also in the glandular cells of my cervix. However, they have not offered any kind of treatment other than, let’s hope in 6 months time, your immune system will have fought it off and when you come back for your next colposcopy in 6 months time, it will have disappeared….what the fuck??? 
I’m scared and anxious and confused and nobody seems to have any answers for me. I’m going slowly insane thinking about it. Most days, I don’t think about it at all but some days the thoughts never leave my mind.
Cancer is a scary word and I don’t care if it makes me sound like a drama queen. I am fucking scared! Not that anyone realizes just how terrified I truly am.
Anyway, there have been some complications from the LLETZ and the Mirena they inserted at the same time so I’ve bad a couple more hospital visits for bleeding, pain and clots. Turns out I have now got endometritis (a severe infection in my uterus) from the Mirena so the Mirena has been removed and apparently I have a very “vascular cervix” (whatever the fuck that means!) and they are concerned about my bowel and elevated liver function  so I’m off for another ultrasound tomorrow, have been put in a Category One waiting list for a colonoscopy (oh joy….I am so excited about that procedure! :|) and currently take 39 (yes THIRTY NINE!!) tablets every day until they can establish whatever it is that’s still causing the pain and bleeding…..among those are Endone, Panadeine Forte and Valium, Brufren and Codeine Phosphate. Handed to me like lollies but controlled authority scripts! So what are they not telling me??? 
They are worried enough to place me in Category One for surgery and have provided me with numerous scripts for extremely strong pain killers and antibiotics. But on the outside they basically tell me they have no idea whats wrong and make me feel like such a hypochondriac!
I don’t know but I’m scared shitless and I don’t know how to fix that when nobody is giving me any answers…… 😦 

SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND FLY WITH THE FAIRIES!

As a little girl, I always had a vivid imagination…..fairies really did live in my back yard, if I channeled my thoughts hard enough while rubbing my temples, my wishes really would come true and nobody could tell me that there was anything I was not capable of doing.

When did all that change?

Why can’t we still believe in elves and fairies and gnomes and goblins and all things magical, glittery and exciting??? Who are we to say that such things do not exist?

Okay, so in reality, I know that perhaps the thought of such mystical creatures makes me sound insane (more so than people already believe :p ) but do we look at Christians or Muslims and think they are insane because they believe in things that cannot be seen or felt?

Faith, is a funny thing….if you have enough belief in something, you will always find strength to get through things you never thought you could.

I’m currently on a quest to find faith and belief in something….I’m not sure what and I may never be able to pinpoint what that elusive thing is, however I DO believe that there is something bigger than us….something that holds the power to create the situations that appear in our lives that bring happiness or sadness. And I also believe in the power of our own thoughts and ability to deal with these situations.

My grandparents who mean the world to me (my grandpa died of cancer thirteen years ago) were extremely spiritual people. They believed in the power of the Universe, positive affirmations, ensuring you had healthy chakras, tarot card readings, psychic abilities and the use of crystals, incense and oils to promote a sense of calm, well-being and balance.

I guess that is where I get it from and to this day, I still have very strong beliefs in spirituality in that sense.

For a long time, I suppressed that side of me, due to a heavy cocktail of sedation medications that numbed me to everything and anything. I lost all sense of myself and learned to just “exist” and get through each day to the best of my ability and if I one up the following day, that would be a bonus and I would go through the motions once again.

About six months ago, I woke up one morning and realized that if I kept going the way I was going, I was never going to experience happiness again. I was never going to “feel” anything the way I once did and I would only ever continue to “exist”. I wanted more than that.

So, I booked myself in to Mental Health and demanded a medication review. So, now they have taken me off my anti-psychotic medication and I am FEELING again….granted, with feeling happiness, joy and excitement, I also feel sadness, pain and fear but the trade off for feeling absolutely nothing is wonderful and well worth it….

And do you know what? So what if I believe in fairies? 🙂 I’ve finally found my own set of wings and I’m learning once again how to fly! 🙂

Sadness

I find this picture hauntingly beautiful. The act of comforting someone who is enveloped in the darkness of melancholy with the innocence and purity of a woman dressed in white….

I find myself in the position often, when the sadness, the darkness, the despair threatens to overwhelm me with its emotional pain. I used to try and talk about this on different forms of social media and received criticism for being “attention seeking” or being “too honest” about my emotions and in the process, a lot of relationships ended….be they friendships or severed family ties. 

I find that hard to come to terms with most days as I miss these people I called friends and family but the part of me that is fighting to be accepted for who I am and to love myself , flaws and all, knows that despite my highly emotional state of being, I do have great days, fun days, days of laughter and days where I find beauty amongst the chaos of my life. 

And that part of me that I like to believe is getting stronger, but sometimes suffers setbacks, knows, deep down that if I can’t be loved for who I am, then why have those people take up space in my life anyway?

I saw my grandma the other day….you will come to realize how important she is to me, over time, and she told me that I needed to sort things out with my family. That hurt. A lot. 

My relationship with my family (my mum and two sisters) has always been strained to say the least but lately it has become worse as I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that I have some pretty major physical issues at the moment and I’ve had absolutely zero moral support from any of them. Not even so much as an “are you okay” text message and that rips me apart more than I care to explain to anyone.

I don’t care that I’m 38. I’m very sick and I want my mum and she’s not there. I tried to explain this to her the other night and I was told in no uncertain terms that the reason she doesn’t care is because there is ways some kind of drama in my life (hence the constant references to myself as “Drama Queen” as I do kind of deserve the label at times and I can live with that) and if there isn’t, then I create one. 

Well, you know what, this is dramatic for me. I have CIN3 in the glandular cells of my cervix (I had a LLETZ procedure done three weeks ago and they took 7mm from my cervix but the CIN3 has spread further and they didn’t get it all) and because I didn’t respond well to surgery, they want to see if my immune system will fight off the CIN3 within 6 months and then do a repeat colposcopy to see if it has progressed or regressed, I imagine but that all relies and depends on my immune system doing all the work, which, for me, is concerning as I contracted MRSA in one of my hospital visits (an auto-immune disease) so my immune system is not flash. On top of that, I had the Mirena (an inter-uterine contraceptive device) inserted on the same day as my LLETZ procedure and I was one of the lucky few (rare even) who’s body rejects foreign objects so I have now ended up with endometritis (different to endometriosis) which is a massive infection in my uterus caused by the Mirena so it has been removed (Thank God!) and I was in hospital for a night getting intravenous antibiotics and intravenous morphine and fluids, then sent home with oral antibiotics.

Of course, because of the MRSA it’s hard to fight any infection I get with oral antibiotics so I’m feeling hell crappy, bleeding like an infected, stuck pig (I dd warn you I was as honest as they come!) and in excruciating agony.

So yes, drama queen or not, I’m sick and I’m scared and I just wish that there was someone here for me. 

Rant over….I’ve calmed down a little….albeit only a smidgen but I am a little calmer. Now I just can’t breathe through my nose as opposed to flooding my bed with tears….